Over the years we have had the pleasure to review the conflict resolution, alternative dispute resolution, mediation, organizational psychology and just plain common sense literature.  We have mediated issues, large and small.  We have trained thousands of people to communicate and relate differently. We have coached hundreds of executives to manage their duties and people differently.  As we have done this over the years we have collected “nuggets” of information, that while so simple are so powerful. We would like to share them with you. 

Before you can be understood, you must first seek to understand:
Let the other party speak first and truly try to understand, though not necessarily agree, with them.  Then you can give your side.  If you confront someone and they react, allow them to talk until they are finished before you continue.  Ask questions to ensure they get it all out.  Then they will be more receptive to hear what you have to say.

The majority of communication happens in the context of an ongoing relationship:
Always keep in mind that preserving the relationship is equally important to getting your point across.  Demonstrate your concern for the relationship by listening, asking questions and trying to problem-solve.  Don’t treat the communication process as a contest.  If you win at the other party’s expense, you damage the relationship.

Rather than dealing with positions, look for the needs that the position is meeting:
Don’t immediately counter or react negatively to the other’s position.  Wait. Remember positions are end products.  They are the things that the other party feels will meet their needs.  Once you can identify the other party’s needs, then you can create multiple positions that meet those needs and yours.

Rather than focusing on feelings and behavior, focus on perceptions:
Feelings and behavior are side effects.  They are by-products of perceptions.  If you focus only on feelings and behavior, you have to guess at the reasons why other people are feeling and acting the way they are.  More times than not, you will assume incorrectly and respond to them inappropriately.  To truly understand someone, you need to understand how they see it.

Funnel up, not down:
Most businesses try to problem-solve by reducing their options to two and picking one over the other.  This creates winners and losers and damages the quality of the relationships.  Why would you want only a couple of possible solutions to a problem?  Creating multiple options to solve problems (funneling up) is the best way to go.  Do not “boil it down to two and pick” or employ either/or thinking.  When we create multiple options, we can find new solutions—usually ones that no one thought of initially—that meet most of the parties’ needs.

Silence is golden:
Silence has a tendency to make people uncomfortable.  Be able to look at the other party and handle the tension silence can cause.  Some will say anything to break the tension of silence.  Rather than react poorly, do or say nothing, especially if the other party is getting positional or argumentative.  Silence has a tendency to make the other party a little uncomfortable and shifts the responsibility for keeping the conversation going to them.

Begin with a common ground, not differences:
It is natural to start with our differences, because our differences cause our problems.  Rather, look for common ground and say “yes” as many times as possible as well as asking questions that elicit yes’s from the other party.  Use statements such as, “I’m glad we could both agree to mediate,” “Seems like we all want to solve our differences in different ways” or “Yes, you have a point.”  Reflecting back what someone just said will elicit a “Yes, that’s right” response.

Attack the problem, not the person:
Verbally attacking the other party only increases their defensiveness and escalates their emotions.  Even if you feel that they are attacking you, don’t retaliate.  It serves no purpose in problem solving to lower oneself  to critiquing personalities.  Separating the person from the problem allows you to concentrate on solving the problem, not on personalities.  Whether or not you like the other party, problem solving is not a game to see who can get the best of the other.

Be open to persuasion:
Don’t go into any meeting or enter into any problem-solving event without the ability to learn from the others involved.  A closed mind or righteous attitude will doom any negotiations.  In any interaction, be receptive to the other party’s views and be willing to be persuaded.  Being willing to be persuaded can be contagious.  When you demonstrate your open-mindedness, others will likely follow.  Sometimes it is better to open your mind and shut your mouth!

As Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye and everyone goes blind:”
 Don’t lower yourself to the other party’s tactics if they become demeaning.  Continue trying to develop mutually beneficial solutions.  Fisher and Brown (1992) in their book, Getting Together, describe an unconditionally constructive strategy as “doing only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether they reciprocate or not.”  For example, ask for the other party’s input even if they don’t ask you.  If they are acting emotionally, you try to balance emotions with reason.  If they misunderstand you, try to understand them.  Even if they are not listening, consult them before deciding on matters that affect them.

Mirror their style:
It is important to show respect in any problem-solving situation.  If there are different cultures, cultural styles also need to be respected.  One way to show respect and thus nonverbally communicate respect for the other party is to accommodate or mirror their style.  If they speak slowly, do the same.  If they are formal, be formal.  If they take time to pause and reflect, you do likewise.  This is called pacing, and it helps people feel empathy with you and your needs.

Remain optimistic:
No matter what happens, communicate your optimism.  Make comments such as, “Well, we both seem to have some strong feelings, but if we keep at it, I’m sure we can work something out” or “I can understand that you feel frustrated; I do as well. Let’s review our needs and see what we have in common.”  Don’t give up; you never know when something positive will happen.

Listening will solve 50% of the problems:
Most people just need to be heard and acknowledged without someone jumping in and telling them what to do.  Listening benefits more than the listener; it allows the speaker an opportunity to hear his or her own perceptions, as well.  Besides, you just might be persuaded if you truly listen to the other side.

Mediate, don’t litigate:
Throughout most of our lives we have looked to parents, teachers, supervisors and the courts to make decisions for us.  But if we can solve our own problems, we can be empowered by the experience.  In any business, if problems can be solved at the level of necessity, others do not have to get involved.  If you mediate, you retain some control and influence.  If you let someone else make the decision for you, you have little control.  While going to court or some higher authority may be appropriate at times, think of it as a last resort.  Try to mediate; you have little or nothing to lose.  Remember, to kill a fly you need a flyswatter, not a cannon.

The process is equally important, if not more so, than the outcome:
What we decide to do differently may or may not be effective, but if we negotiate based on needs or shared interests, we can always come back to the table because the relationship is preserved.  Preserving the relationship is a primary goal, as well as reaching an agreement.

Future versus past orientation:
When emotions run high, we have a tendency to look to the past to either justify our position or point out the inadequacy of the other party.  This neither helps to form an agreement nor to preserve the relationship.  At times it may be helpful to cite examples from the past, but dwelling on history will just escalate the other party’s emotions.  We can argue what’s happened in the past and who has done what to whom, or we can problem-solve about how we want to be different in the future.  More times than not, it makes no difference if the alligator came in the front or back door; we need to work on alligator removal.

How important is it?
Ask yourself this question.  If you answer it honestly, 8 times out of 10 you’ll conclude it isn’t that important.  One colloquial participant told us, “Pick the mountain you want to die on,” meaning that every hill (issue) is not worth fighting over.  Decide what is important and what is not.  If it’s not important, Let It Go.  You’ll live longer.  If you decide the issue falls into the 20 percent you must deal with, then try to solve the problem.

Turn negative statements into needs:
Never defend yourself against negative statements.  Instead, simply reflect them back in terms of how you perceive the other party’s needs.  When you turn negative statements into needs, the other party feels acknowledged, If  the other party says, “ Here we go again, another worthless meeting.  We meet to death around here,” respond with, “I think we all need to have our discussions productive as possible.”  Do not say, “I do the best I can; besides, we are more productive than other departments.” 

Start with the easiest thing first:
If there are multiple issues or problems to deal with, go with the smallest, easiest issue.  Start with the least important issue in order to build some positive momentum before tackling harder issues.  We have a tendency to want to start with the most glaring or emotionally charged issue.  Resist this tendency, as it can put an initially negative spin on the whole problem-solving process.

Always leave the door open:
If the problem solving or negotiation is getting stuck or you are starting to lose it, don’t say, “This is getting us nowhere.  I don’t think this is solvable.”  Rather, say, “Well, I’d hoped we could have worked this out.  We still have two days before the deadline.  I would be receptive to another meeting.  Please give me a call.”  The majority of agreements are reached in the 11th hour.  If you shut the door because you get angry, you could blow an opportunity to reach an agreement.

Don’t threaten, but warn of natural consequences: A threat is a promise of negative consequences usually imposed by you.  A warning is a glimpse into the future of what may happen.  At work, save your threats to go to the boss as a last resort.  Instead try to explain the potential impact on the company if things do not get done: “We need to get the diversity training implemented as soon as possible, because we don’t want the employees feeling like we don’t care!”

When confronting, start with “I” or “We” messages:
When we think of confrontation, we think of telling others off or letting them know that their behavior impacts us in some negative way.  Typically we start the confrontation with a You message.  A You message used at the beginning of the confrontation only makes the other party more defensive and emotional. In order to assertively communicate your needs, state them in terms of I messages.  While the other party may still get defensive or emotional, the intensity will not be as great.

When being confronted, start with You messages to get past the feelings and into the other’s perceptions:
When confronted, you need to fight the natural tendency to blame, defend, rationalize, minimize or explain.  Your first step needs to be one of discovery.  You need to find out why they are confronting you.  And you need to eliminate the associated feelings of anger and defensiveness.  If someone angrily confronts you, reflect it back with a You message.  This will help you find out why they are angry so you can begin to remove the anger.  If a peer at work were to say sarcastically, “Thanks for nothing,” try responding, “You seem to feel that I’ve let you down?”  Then they will tell you why they are upset with you.  You can do something about the problem if you know where they are coming from.  Once you find out why they are angry, you have multiple options to problem-solve.

Ask open-ended questions:
In any problem-solving event, dialog among parties is important for many reasons.  It allows venting, expression of needs, creatively developing solutions and the ability to listen and be heard while enhancing relationships.  We need to ask questions that encourage or promote this type of dialog.  Phrase questions to begin with “what, when, where or how” to encourage dialog.  Do not ask questions that can be answered with a “yes” or “no.”  Avoid asking questions that begin with “why.”  “Why” questions tend to get positional answers.

Consider objective criteria:
Another strategy in problem solving is to look to various sources for information or ideas.  Sometimes this is a neutral strategy in that we are not picking one party’s idea over another.  We’re agreeing on finding a third party to help.  Suggesting that an expert opinion be sought is one way to offer a neutral strategy.  Benchmarking with other companies or groups is another neutral strategy if problem solving bogs down.  If you differ with your real estate agent over the asking price for your home, you may think you only have three options: You can stick with your asking price, accept the realtor’s price or split the difference.  However, with these choices, it won’t be possible for both parties to feel their needs are getting met.  Either just one party got their way or both got only part of what they thought was fair.  If both parties could agree to get two appraisals and take the average, everyone wins.  No one loses or feels cheated.

Offer choices, rather than asking for acceptance or rejection of your proposal:
Try to avoid saying, “Take it or leave it,” “Should we or shouldn’t we” or “Can I or can’t I.”  This forces the other party into an either/or proposition.  It is better for all concerned to be able to select from multiple options to meet the needs of all parties.  It is the shrewd 16-year-old who, rather than asks mom if he can use the car to go to the movies, says, “Mom, I want to use the car to go to the show.  Would it be more convenient for you if I went to the 6 o’clock or 8 o’clock showing?” Never ask a yes or no question if you don’t want a “no” answer.

Invite criticism:
Most people do not like criticism.  But, in problem solving you need to invite it.  Criticism gives you clues about the needs of the other party.  Don’t be afraid to ask the other party, “What is it about this solution that doesn’t seem to meet your needs?”  Inviting criticism also allows the other party to vent their frustration, which in turn should make them easier to deal with.

If the other party appears to be inconsistent or trying to deceive you, use the “Colombo” method: Only as a last resort should you accuse another party of trying to deceive you.  If you are not sure, it’s best to first try an indirect method to probe for information.  The Colombo method is patterned after the TV detective series.  The detective, sensing something was amiss in the witness’ statement, would start out with questions like, “Could you help me understand …” or “Maybe I’m missing something here; could you explain how … .”  The other party always offers more information to a non-threatening question.

Don’t commit too soon in the mediation process:
Even if you are sure that your position is the only position that is workable, don’t propose it or bring it up until the end, or near the end, of the problem-solving process.  Keep an open mind as you listen to the other side.  Enter any problem- solving activity with the ability to be persuaded.  If you commit too early to a position, it forces the other party into an either/or (your way or no way) proposition and halts the process.

If the other party commits too early in the mediation process, help them back down with dignity: Since most people are not familiar with problem-solving techniques, they may make the error of committing too early in the process.  Some think that playing hardball is a positive strategy, and they tell you that this is their final proposal and may threaten some consequence if you don’t take it.  When this happens, do not react to their position, but allow them room to back down with dignity.  This helps preserve the relationship.  If the union negotiator says, “This is our final offer—take it or we’ll strike,” you say, “I’m sure that’s one option, but let’s see if there might be another way to avoid that option and meet your needs.”

Don’t argue over whether something is a problem or not:
Arguing the importance of an issue is rarely productive.  In an ongoing relationship, if one party has a problem, all parties have that problem.  While their issue may not seem that important to you, if they raised it, treat it as an issue worthy of your consideration.  If your 5-year-old thinks there is a ghost in the closet and won’t go to sleep, you can argue that there are no such things as ghosts, or you can discuss options for ghost removal like “shooing” the ghost out the window.  In which scenario will the child sleep better?

Confrontation is the best way to nurture an ongoing relationship:
Using the leveling or confrontation process, we confront perceptions, not feelings and behavior.  By doing so, we do not allow other people’s feelings and behavior to adversely affect us.  If we care enough about others, we need to be able to tell them how they impact us and others around them.  If we don’t tell them, we enable them to continue to behave in ways that may not be in their best interests. If done appropriately, confrontation strengthens relationships.

Accept responsibility for your own feelings and behavior:
Most people are guilty of saying, “You make me so angry,” “You are driving me crazy” or “You make me feel worthless.”  Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  Keep in mind that no one can make you do or feel anything you don’t choose to.  You control your own feelings and behavior.  Once you accept that you are in control, you are empowered to feel and behave as you deem appropriate—not simply in reaction to others.

Crisis is opportunity:
Few people change unless there is a jolt or crisis.  The trouble is, if we handle crises poorly, we’ll get the same poor results crisis after crisis.  Each crisis needs to be approached (perceived) as an opportunity to do things differently—maybe better—and should not be dreaded and avoided.  Every crisis is truly an opportunity to solve problems in a way that potentially enhances the relationship, not damages it.

Collect “yes’s” (Ury, 1993):
In his book Getting Past No, William Ury suggests that if you’re trying to help parties in dispute resolution, ask questions all parties can agree on.  Such questions would be, “Seems like these issues are very important to everyone concerned,” “While we might not agree on the cause of the problems, sounds like you agree on the adverse effects the problems are causing,” “Both of you are after a fair and equitable settlement,” or “It would appear that we all think raises are a good idea; we just need to determine how much.”  This helps set a positive tone for the process and demonstrates that the parties are not as far apart as they think.

Although it takes two to have a relationship, it takes only one to change its quality (Fisher and Brown, 1992):
 How we act to others often determines how they will react to us.  If we don’t like how someone is treating us, we have two choices.  The first is to attempt to make the other person change.  This is very difficult, especially if they don’t want to change.  The other choice is to change how we are acting.  Often when we change the way we approach the other person, the other person will respond in a like manner  Perhaps a different approach will change the reaction you are getting.  Since we have the most control over ourselves, we must start by changing ourselves first.  Remember, it doesn’t take much to impact a relationship.  When a subtle change is made by one of the parties, things have to change.

If you blow it, accept responsibility and apologize:
Apologizing is not an admission of guilt, but simply a statement that you own your responsibility for your behavior.  Sometimes apologizing can help set the tone of the discussion so all concerned begin to examine their own feelings and behavior.  Instead of blaming our behavior on others or rationalizing, defending or explaining ourselves, we also have the option to “own” our mistake, say we’re sorry and move on.  Rather than saying, “There’s a good explanation of why I did it” or “That’s not half as bad as what you do” or “Well, the reason that happened was …” or “If you would just listen to me, I wouldn’t have to yell,” try saying, “I’m sorry I yelled.  I guess I really felt the need to be heard, but I went about it in the wrong way.”  Apologizing is not for the weak.  It takes strength to admit you are wrong and move on.  But it can work wonders.

Pay attention to nonverbal communication:
 Ask for clarification if needed.  Look for obvious non-verbals: scowling and crossing arms, not making eye contact, loud sighs, looking at watch or clock, shaking head “no” or silence.  If you see any of these repeatedly, you should comment on the behaviors.  But ask for clarification rather than accusing.  Don’t say, “You’re mad and not listening!”  Instead say something like, “It seems as though you are frustrated right now.”  Even if the person denies there is a problem, they will know that you are picking up on their frustration.  Or maybe they haven’t realized or admitted they really are angry.

 Don’t get snagged by barbed wire:
Emotions can run high; when they do, be careful to not get snagged by barbed words or phrases such as, “You are never available,” “You don’t care at all,” “All you care about is your department,” “You always side with administration.” “That’s simply not fair!” Don’t react, explain or defend yourself.  Try to draw them to your side with statements such as, “It’s important to you that I’m available “Maybe we need to look at ways I can show you that I do see the big picture,” “While it may seem to you that I always go along with administration,  we just want to find a solution we all can live with” This is difficult to do, but you need to resist being snagged.